Party's at my place
by Black the Ripper
Summary: Neasala and Leanne are getting married. How oh how do we commemorate this occasion? Crazy ass party. No specific main characters but its mostly the happy couple, Ike, Volug, Ranulf and some other party people. Stoner comedy. Read, review. Please.
1. He' such a good husband

It was sure to be the happiest day of Leanne's life. Some people freaked out when the word got out she was marrying King Kilvas, the duke of deception, the lord of lies, and an all around asshole in general, really. But nobody knew him the way she did. I guess it's easy to understand someone when you've been friends since early childhood. Despite anyone's protests (mostly Tibarns) she had already made her decision, and she wasn't turning back now. But there was still no way her lady friends weren't going to see her off for the next chapter in her life… Bachelorette party.

"And she's finally tying the knot! Congratulations!" cheered an already tipsy Queen Hatari, throwing her arm over Leanne.

"Th-thanks… Nailah."

"Oh, don't be so modest. It's your last day of freedom! There is no way I'm letting the sister of one of my best friends go out without a bang."

She smiled sheepishly. It was her nature to be as meek as she was, but she couldn't help but feel a little guilty for enjoying herself so much. For all she knew, Naesala was probably out running errands, making arrangements, maybe even getting to bed early in preparation for their big day.

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"Hahahaha! Fuck yesh!" Bellowed the super trashed King Kilvas, as he danced with the greased-up half naked floozies straddling his legs.

Tibarn knew he didn't like what he saw, but he wasn't going to be caught dead being the asshole buzzkill that brings the whole party down. Instead he stood tall, raised his bottle in the air, and exclaimed:

"Ive known this son of a bitch my whole life, fought beside him in many wars, and I still hate his damn guts."

The whole room bellowed, laughing their asses off. "Same to yous, big guy!" he said amidst the chaos, swaying back and forth.

"But he really surprised me with this one, and I can only hope he doesn't betray his wife as many times as he did me. Congratulations, man."

Now Naesala was feeling the epic, drunk 'I love you man' feeling. He walked over to the hawk king, placing a hand on his shoulder, shouting "Somebody give my dude here a lap dance!" holding a handful of coin in the air. Vika strutted over, barely clothed saying "That'd be me, babe." Pushing him into a chair, she straddled his lap, placing her hands on his shoulders. "Enjoying the party?" Tibarn smiled. "Heh, I am now."

Ike and Ranulf stared eachother in the eyes, deadlocked in competition. Before anyone knew it, their stares met the ceiling as a huge group of people surrounding chanted "DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!" In a matter of mere seconds, Ranulf had managed to put down a mug of the vile concoction known as beer, ale, and moonshine. Ike finished his a few seconds later, tossing the 50 gold into the blue cat's lap.

"You win this one, you tricky bastard. How the hell did you get so good at that, anyway?" "Shit, I partied all the time back before the mad king's war. Once I had to start putting up with that retard Skrimir, I fell back into old habits."

Ike grinned. "Making the headaches go away the only way you knew how, huh?"

"Could be worse. I've still got, like, half my brain cells, or some bullshit…"

Ranulf started fading out a little. Ike brought him back on track. "Speaking of old habits…"

The cat perked up, remembering his obligation. "Oh shit! Almost forgot! Nice one, Ike." He said, fumbling around in his bag, looking for something. After about ten seconds, his smile dropped. "You've gotta be fuckin kidding me…"

"What?"

"…I don't have it."

"You're serious?" Ike said with a look of dissatisfaction on his face. Ranulf sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"My bad, Ike. I forgot I was supposed to bring the grass."

"No worries." Said a deep voice, coming from another corner of the room. Volug approached, half empty bottle of 151 in one hand, large leather bag in the other. He placed the bag on the table. Ranulf opened the bag, took a deep smell, and his grin came back.

"Damn, this stuff smells strong! Where did you get it?"

"I grow it back in Hatari. I got Nailah to legalize the shit there, so I'm free to make a profit off anybody." He leaned against the chair behind him.

"You seriously expect me to cross a fucking desert of death without a fatass sack fresh Hatari homegrown at my side? I take the shit everywhere." Ike and Ranulf stood up, shaking the wolf's hand, proudly proclaiming "Three cheers for the weedman!" The crowd chimed in. "WEEDMAN! WEEDMAN! WEEDMAN!" Right then, Volug knew what it was to be the savior of the party. It was an honor reserved only for the most knowledgeable and prepared. A rare smile was brought to the wolf's face. "Well, what are we dickin' around here for? Go grab me a bong."

In that next hour and a half, the Weedman had shown the party an assortment of tricks they would never forget. He could hit a bong like no other. He could roll a joint or blunt with one hand. He smoked the blunt, finished the rest of his bottle, and burped out a smoke ring. This guy definitley knew what he was doing. His display was starting to take its toll on his brain when he suddenly remembered something.

"Ah, fuck! We completely forgot!" Volug and Ranulf looked at eachother through crimson eyes. "Well, shit! If we're going to make it, we've got to go now!"

"Wait… wha the fuck you guys talkin' about?" Slurred a completely gone Ike.

"We, uhhh… made like this deal, and shit, and we're supposed to be going... somewhere." trailed Volug, a blank expression on his face.

"Well, whatchu waitin for, man? Let's go, lets go!" Said Ranulf.

Stumbling aroun slightly, and bumping into eachother more than once, they both transformed and headed toward door. Ranulf looked back and said "Peace, Ike! We'll be back before the parties over! Make sure nobody touches my damn glass!" and with that, they were out. Ike sank in his chair, belatedly raised a thumbs up in the air. He began laughing to himself, noticing how funny it was watching super trashed animals trying to sprint somewhere.


	2. The Female Frontier

For fucks sake, people! Hit me with some reviews! Positive, negative, whatever. What's

the point of writing if I don't think anyone's reading?

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It was coming on 1:00 am, and all the ladies with weaker stomachs have already passed out. That means Mist, Mia, and Marcia had were already out cold. (Three M's…hmmm…coincidence? Yeah, actually.) Leanne and Nailah had just finished a bottle of expensive white wine between eachother, and were now just rambling about random small talk. Elincia had managed to find her way through the smoke and small crowd of what could basically be considered the walking dead at this point to the couch on which the two Laguz royals were conversing.

"Elincia! I haven't seen you since the party started! Where have you-" She was cut off by Nailah's graceful introduction.

"Queenie! Where the hell've YOU been?"

"Um… well, Lethe said she had something to show me and, well, she just wouldn't let me leave…"

"Like hell, bitch!" Lethe walked in from the other room, reeking of grass.

"She was the one that kept telling me that the 'bag doesn't close,' and when I wanted to stop, she called me a pussy!."

Nailah laughed her ass of at the irony of the last statement.

"You were the one who wanted to get blazed!"

"Well, I didn't expect you to be a dopefiend! Your supposed to be a queen for fucks sa-"

"Hey! You're a queen, I'm a queen, were all fuckin' queens here! Why can'ts we jusht get along?" Was Nailah's attempt at peaceful diplomacy.

Eyes darted back and forth. How is it that such a fun and lighthearted occasion come to a bitter bitch-fight?

"You're right." Lethe said, trying not to spoil the mood. "I recommend we patch things up… over a peace pipe."

Nobody objected to the idea. But just as they all sat down on the couch to begin preparations…

-KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK-

"The hell…?" Lethe mused, putting her bag away just in case.

"Who could it be this late at night?" Leanne said, announcing what basically everyone was thinking as she stumbled slightly to the door.

She opened the door to be met by two tall ebony-clad guards who walked right into the house. They were both wearing standard light guardsman armor and dark helmets that obscured their faces.

"We were getting some noise complaints coming from this address… Care to explain?" Said the taller, more imposing guard.

'Shit… it's the fuzz… that figures.' Was Lethe's basic thought process.

The shorter walked around a bit, noticing the sleeping party guests. "Looks like a pretty wild time…" he stopped for a second and took a deep breath.

–Sniffff- "You smell that, V?" he said, referring to the not-so-subtle stench of burned herbage.

The big guard nodded ominously to his partner. Lethe began scanning the surrounding area for a blunt object heavy enough to knock someone out in the back of the head in one swing.

"You know what this means?" he turned his head to the shorter but still well built guard who was making his way to the table, pulling something out of his pocket. He fiddled with something sitting on the table, turned around and looked at all the ladies with a sly, toothy grin. Leanne had taken a seat, already ashamed and starting to regret the whole party idea.

"I sure as hell do…" the big, dark-skinned guard towered over Leanne, unable to do anything but look up at him. She was about to burst out apologetically, but after looking up at his face, she gasped in surprise. Suddenly, the boombox on the table started blaring the "Party boy" song. In perfect unison, the two guards announced: "We're gonna have to take you bitches… downtown!"

The two guardsmen tore their shirts off and tossed their helmets, dancing seductively around Leanne. She couldn't believe it.

"R-r-ranulf? Volug?!" The two looked at eachother and smiled. Nailah couldn't hold it in anymore. She busted out, laughing hysterically. Leanne looked over at her supposed 'friend' in complete shock.

"Y-you put them up to this?!"

"Hey, she offered good gold. What hell were we gonna say, no?" Ranulf smirked, tearing his pants off revealing a light blue Speedo. Volug followed suit, sporting a black tuxedo man-thong. All of the color had officially drained from her face, as said face was mere inches away from Ranulf's thrusting manhood. Elincia was in similar shape, but with a crimson blush painting her cheeks. Queen Hatari had just managed the strength to take a breath.

"I… I'm sorry… hahahaha!" she couldn't help it. All these years of waiting for the perfect opportunity and she finally had it. It was well worth all the gold she had sunk into her devious plan. Leanne looked over to her when she had finally calmed down.

"Just… how much did you pay them?"

"Enough." said Volug, licking his lips.

"Sooooo… how bout a dance, cutie?" Ranulf didn't give her time to respond as he grabbed her arm and pulled Leanne to her feet. They huddled her into a man-sandwich, giving her no room to escape. This only brought Nailah back to her laughing fit.

"Hey, ease up a little! You have any idea how much I'd pay to be in your position right now?" teased Lethe, most people not realizing she wasn't joking. After deciding Leanne has had enough, they split up and tended to others in the group. Ranulf approached Lethe, stretching his legs across her as she sat.

"So, this your first time, sweetheart?" he said teasingly, his trademark grin stretching across his face.

"I was just about to ask you the same thing." She said, slipping some currency into his one article of clothing. Volug approached his queen, already knowing she wasn't going to let this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity escape her grasp. She reached in her pockets for some gold.

"Careful, little lady. I may be carrying a… concealed weapon." She couldn't believe he actually said it with a straight face. She grabbed him by the hips and pulled him closer.

"I paid very good cash for this." A seductive smirk came to her face.

"I expect to get my moneys worth." She grabbed his choker and pulled his lips down to hers. Grabbing both her legs, he pulled her whole soft, supple body against his rock hard, chiseled frame. She straddled his waist with both legs, still not breaking the deep kiss. Feeling eachother very intimately, they could both feel they were so ready. Volug, still drunk and high, carried his drunk and high queen to the bedroom, with no plans to stop sucking on her tongue in the near future.


	3. The Aftermath

The room was completely blurry. Everything was spinning for some reason…

'Ugh… where are my clothes? Ah, fuck. What happened this time?'

Nailah lay in the bed completely naked and a little sticky. Shutting her eyes tight, she wished she could just find a closet in the middle of nowhere and hang herself. Feeling a hand subconsciously trace her side up and down, she braced herself for whatever horrible reality lay behind her. Slowly turning over with her eyes closed, she waited a second before opening them.

* * *

Lethe clutched her head with one hand as she leaned up. Trying to remember just what the fuck happened, she neglected to notice the supposedly out cold blue guy lying next to her. She let out a sigh of relief as she looked around, no evidence that she did something… regrettable. Of course, this was before she noticed Ranulf was, in fact, lying in between both her and a nude Elincia. The green-haired Queen returned Lethe's petrified gaze as a satisfied grin stretched across Ranulf's face.

"Sooooo… you two polecats up for another dance? I swear you'll remember it this time."

* * *

"Mornin' babe." The black wolf's deep voice rumbled, smoke pouring out of his mouth as he looked into his partner's emerald orbs.

A tidal wave of relief hit her dead-on as she took in the sight of a black wolf leaning against the bed frame, stripped town to the skin, cigarette in hand and glistening with sweat.

"Jackpot." She grinned with respite.

"Hmm?" he seemed slightly confused, if not still a little out of it.

"Oh nothing, nothing…" she tried to play it off while thanking whatever divine, benevolent force allowed this to happen.

"Oh shit… I just remembered… you should probably know, I forgot to throw on a love glove, and I definitely didn't pull out…"

She started to go pale as the words rolled off his tongue. He then chuckled lightheartedly as he placed a hand on her cheek, stroking the soft, smooth flesh with his thumb.

"Just kiddin'… I pulled out."

She sighed in mock frustration. "I fuckin' hate you. Doesn't take me out to dinner, doesn't say he loves me… doesn't even buy me a drink. You practically got it for free."

He looked at her through half-massed eyes. "If I remember correctly, (and that's not sayin' much…) you paid me." Proud of his razor-sharp wit, he took one last puff and put it out in the nearby ashtray.

"Know what, asshole? It was worth it. Every last bit of it. You may have come out of it with some gold, but at least I came out with my dignity, as well as one hell of a story." She climbed on top of him as he lay, rubbing a finger up and down his chiseled chest and abs.

"Dignity kind of goes out the window once you've taken it up the ass doggie-style for over half an hour." He said this as his sly smirk spread into a Cheshire grin.

Now she was the one wearing a slightly confused expression. For half a second, blurry memories of last night flooded her mind. She could remember clutching onto the sheets for dear life as Volug gripped her silky white tail for leverage with his right hand, digging his fingers into her thigh with his left, all the while ramming into her full-force. She screamed in pleasure as she met her climax, feeling him jerk out of her as he flipped her over so he could cover her stomach with his warm love nectar, howling like the beast he was as he did. That would explain why her legs ached so much.

Now she was starting to get off on what few memories of last night that she had. Deciding then and there to stop thinking and start acting, she grabbed onto his last article of clothing, his black choker, and pulled his face barely an inch away from hers.

"Shut up and kiss me." His black ear flickered as she whispered seductively into his ear.

They closed their eyes and leaned in for the kiss…

"Fuck!" Volug's eyes suddenly jerked open as he shot up, almost throwing Nailah over the foot of the bed. He stood up, looking around the room for something.

"What?! What the hell is it?"

"Naesala's bachelor party… we were supposed to return before it ended… arghhh… where the fuck are my pants?!"

"So what, you were just planning on leaving me here?" she stood up crossing her arms.

"Well, fucking you like a wild animal wasn't part of the original plan. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have traded the finest brothel in Tellius for last night… it's just… we already promised Ike we'd be back before it ended. Plus… I think I left my weed there."

"-Sigh-…Alright. Go back to your party. But as soon as you get back, your ass is mine." She said as she grabbed and jerked his long black tail.

"Oh, I'll be back. No way am I not going to be here to take care of this."

Right as he finished his sentence, she let out a quick yelp as he delivered a firm, open palmed slap on her perfect, bare ass. She turned around, noticing he had left the room still completely buck nekkid.

Volug burst into the room in which Ranulf carried Lethe into… he also remembered that for some reason, Elincia had followed the two in there last night. He looked down to find Ranulf lying on his back with the unclothed Queen of Crimea sitting on his face as Lethe straddled his purple python. Volug cleared his throat.

"Hope I'm not interrupting anything… Ah who the hell am I kidding, of course I am."

"Mhhrmhrrr? Hmrrghhgmir." Ranulf mumbled through Elincia's sweet spot.

"Ahhh… don't talk with your mouth full!" moaned Elincia as Ranulf leaned his head back.

"I said, are you trying to get down on some of this shit?" Ranulf chuckled.

"Hey! Has it even occurred to you to ask-" Lethe cut herself off after noticing Volug's naked body. "…Damn!"

Lethe went wide-eyed. Both Elincia and Lethe couldn't take their eyes off the wolf standing in the doorway. Ranulf frowned at this recent turn of events.

"Yeah, yeah, I've got a big dick… The party, motherfucker! Naesala's party!"

In what could only have been described as a 'Kodak moment,' Ranulf shot up, throwing the Queen off of his chest.

"Oh, shit! We've got to get back there!" His gaze went from Volug, to Lethe, to Elincia rubbing her head, then back to Lethe. "…five minutes."

"Ten." Lethe looked at him unsatisfied.

"Fair enough, I'll wait for you outside. I think your pants are on the table." And with that, he left. Ranulf looked back at the green-haired queen as she sat.

"Errr… sorry 'bout that, Elincia."

Leanne rose to her feet, holding her head. She looked around and noticed the whole place was trashed. Unlike a good portion of the houses patrons, she was still fully clothed. As her thought process was finally being brought back on track, it was instantly de-railed when she noticed Volug approaching her, leaning down and grabbing a pair of pants. Her face went crimson.

"Nice job with the party. Good luck with your marriage." He nonchalantly mentioned to her as he gave her a pat on the shoulder. Slipping his legs into the black pants, he stepped out the door. She just stood there, not even knowing what to think.

* * *

Ten minutes later

* * *

Volug leaned against the brick wall, smoking a cigarette impatiently. Tapping his foot on the ground, he took another puff. Another two minutes passed before the door finally opened.

"Dude, what did you do to Leanne? I wished her a happy marriage and she just stood there like a statue." Volug flicked the cig butt.

"It was probably the tattoos. Bitches love tattoos." The wolf cracked his knuckles and transformed. Ranulf merely shrugged at his last statement and transformed as well. Set course due west: to Naesala's place!


	4. Dust settles, Smoke rises

There was not a single living soul among the drunken bodies that littered the floor. The two Laguz wandered around the brutal aftermath of the party, looking for familiar faces. They finally found Ike, who was sitting in the same chair when they left. Volug noticed his leather bag tied around Ike's belt, and Ranulf spied his drink still sitting on the table.

"Hey! Nobody touched my glass!" Ranulf said happily as he put the bottom of his mug to the ceiling. Volug undid the strap holding the bag to Ike's belt. Holding it in one hand and inspecting the weight, he was able to tell nobody pinched anything from it. They both looked at his unconscious body.

"That blue haired son of a bitch. Even when he's out cold he's still looking out for us." Volug muttered. They both nodded at their friend, silently commending him for his dependability.

"We've got to do something nice for the motherfucker to pay 'em back… but what…?" Ranulf put his hand to his chin, trying to think of something thoughtful. Volug smirked and snapped his fingers.

"I've got it. We're gonna give him a good ol' fashioned wake n' bake. So, you wanna roll a couple joints?"

"Nah, fuck that. We gotta do something crazy. No, not crazy. FUCKING PSYCHO." After a moment, Ranulf and Volug grinned wide at each other.

"Superblunt." The word came to both their lips simultaneously as massive grins stretched across their faces.

"Shit, rollin' a superblunt? That's a hefty job. Need a hand?"

The two Laguz averted their sights to the tall black-clad mercenary who offered his assistance.

"Hmph. I thought for sure you of all people would be passed out right now."

"I was… but then I heard the word superblunt. I've got some skunky-ass bud that I've been saving for a special occasion. Considering I owe old Ikey-boy for inviting me to this rather bitchin' party, I think this qualifies. Sooooo… wanna throw down?" Haar smirked as he dangled his bag in front of the two. In perfect unison, they looked at each other and announced with bliss:

"Hell yeah!"

"What the fuck is this, say shit at the same time day?" Haar said with a confused stare.

"Fuck you, cyclops." Once again, both said at the exact same time. Haar just decided to drop it.

* * *

Ike's eyes remained shut. A strong and pungent, yet familiar stench flooded his senses. Considering ones mental state is the equivalent of a row of flaming tequila shots upon waking up, his brain could only be described as ground zero at this point. His eyes slowly creaked open. Almost immediately, his scarlet receptors felt the sting of smoke. If his eyes had gotten any redder, they probably would have been bleeding. His heavily impaired vision focused ever so slowly on the three hazy, yet familiar figures passing around something roughly the size of a cardboard paper towel tube. Then he noticed it was on fire.

"Mornin' sunshine!" Ranulf grinned stupidly at his undead friend.

"Urrrghhaaa... huhhh... whaa?" Was Ike's attempt at a coherent sentence.

"You don't look too good, 'commander.' Maybe this'll help." Haar passed the flaming log of highness and it met Ike's hand. Subconsciously, his hand pulled the monster weed cigar up to his lips, and he inhaled deeply. He sat in silence for a moment; a moment that felt like an eternity. Finally, he released a massive plume of smoke that enveloped the whole circle of people and rose to the ceiling. Ike's comrades were pleased.

"Happy birthday, nigga. You got our back, we got yours." Volug announced, clearly blazed. And that's saying something. Ike smiled happily. Nothing to him was more special than just chillin' and having a good time with his friends. Especially when those friends happen to have hookups to drugs that will make your brain jump out of your head and do a moonwalk. Then it hit him.

"Wait... it's not my birth-"

"Shut up and smoke weed, Ike." Ranulf said staring hungrily at the object of destruction clenched securely in Ike's hand. He complied and hit the behemoth once more, this time being caught off guard and being thrown into quite the coughing fit. Ranulf pulled the object from Ike's hand as he was still reeling.

"Shhhiiiiiiiiiit... this is gonna be a long day..." Haar said with a closed eye. Then he smiled. "All the better." He reached out to intercept the blunt when a hand shot out and grabbed it first. Volug looked at him, dragging on the blunt and shaking his head slowly. Haar would just have to wait his turn while muttering 'asshole.'

* * *

Over a half an hour of nothing but solid stoning between four people had passed and the leviathan ganja cigar was still burning strong. The exclusive tight-knit circle of old war buddies had spent the entire time lightheartedly joking and telling stories for entertainment. The majority of said stories were old war tales or party memories that had surfaced at the spur of the moment, causing much beligerent laughter, as well as a thrown coffee mug in one instance. This continued until Ike (somehow) remembered that he had yet to ask about the Laguz duo's adventure last night.

"...And so the fucker says, 'Thats when I bought the horse a prostitute!'" They all erupted into laughter once again.

"Holy fuck man, I love that guy." Haar managed between breaths.

"Oh shit, that actually reminds me... um..." Ike sat for a second. "Damn. Lost it. Wait, wait... fuck. I'll remember it in a minute."

* * *

1 minute later.

* * *

"Shit! I just remembered. Where the fuck were you guys last night?" As soon as the two looked at eachother and chuckled to themselves, Haar and Ike knew it had to be good. Ranulf looked at them all with that Cheshire grin, Volug leaning back with crossed arms content with letting the feline set the story up.

"Okey dokey then... Remember the Oktoberfest massacre from a couple years back? Well, this almost beats that."

* * *

Well, there ya go. Sorry to just cut you off like that, but I just woke up and have to take a gigantic shit. I'll see ya guys soon, say no to drugs and whatnot. -BtR


End file.
